I slept like the dead last night. I am hoping for a repeat tonight. While I am not med free I am off antidepressants and anxiolytics. I am on a drug called Prazosin and it is for high blood pressure. Funny thing is that this doc up here in Washington found out in the 70's that it works for PTSD by calming victims just enough to let them sleep without making them dopey or making them drug dependent.
Pretty smart doc. He is my doc kind of (now). I am beginning to believe that once I get back to sleeping regularly I will be somewhat normal. You guys remember what that is? I don't think I've ever been normal but that's a good thing. I just don't like being as weird as I have been.
You know you are getting out there when people who stay in touch suddenly drop off the face of the earth. When family forget your number. For future reference, that's when us nutjobs need you to stay in touch the most.
Granted, most of you didn't sign up to save anyone from insanity but you might find that it is a really good feeling. I know I've been there a few times pulling friends back. I've been the one being pulled back (thanks to the many who have been there, done that, got the t-shirt) and it's been more than once. I must like the view because I've seen it a few times. It's easy to blame on my life but is my life the cause or the effect of my mind games?
I try extremely hard to not let my kids end up like me but I think too often I end up driving them in that direction. In many ways, I am conflicted the most about this. I feel that I am a good father. At the same time, I feel I am the worst influence upon my children. Some of you don't know the pain I have caused and you won't find it here. Needless to say, I have been the source of a great many tears in my home.
I have been disfellowshipped. I was Excommunicated for about ten days until a review pointed out that I shouldn't have been. I cannot tell you the pain I felt from that. I have caused my children to weep and be frightened of their father. Not from violence but from psychological crap. When I was all screwed up on some of these meds I became irate with them and showed them pictures of war dead and told them these are the things stuck in my head and then proceeded to blame them for everything that I perceived to be wrong in my life. I honestly feel like just crawling away.
"And I, Moroni, will not deny the Christ; wherefore, I wander whithersoever I can for the safety of mine own life." (Moroni Ch 1:3)
I am weighed down with huge amounts of guilt because I believe in Christ but it would seem that I don't believe him. You see, repentance applies to everyone but me. Others feel this way too but follow along as I explain. I truly believe in Christ but I have to get that through my onion to where I know that I can let all of this guilt go. That it will be ok to FEEL. I relate so well with the woman taken in adultery, caught in the very act (which begs the question where was the man and why did they not drag him to Christ as well?). Christ seemingly ignored them and when their frustration levels were at their highest, he merely replied "let he that is without sin cast the first stone. Being convicted of their conscience, they left one by one from the eldest to the youngest." With just the two of them left, Christ and this woman, he looked up asking "Woman, where are thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee? She answered, No man, Lord. whereupon he answer neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more" (John 8)
Oh the relief that must have washed over her until she felt joy. I am sure that she sobbed in gratitude. I would. I know I have been forgiven of the worst of my sins but I still have yet to let them go. The haunt me still. Oh that reminds me of a dream. I will write about tomorrow.
My fingers are tired and I have some praying to do. Maybe even for you.
p.s. If you make a comment it goes to my email first where I have to approve it for publishing. Soooo, if you would like to comment but don't want it published just include that in your comment.
Butch
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