Onions

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[sighs]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody likes onions.

Much like Shrek, I have layers it seems. The trick now is to peel off the layers I have spent a lifetime wrapping my self in to guard against anyone seeing my true emotions. I'm a rock, at least that's what I'd like you to believe.

As a kid many things terrified me but nothing more than someone seeing how scared I was. I would do almost anything to hide how truly frightened I was. Not much has changed since then. I stuff my emotions down deep. No time to deal with them because there is too much going on. Crying does nothing to fix the problem. That is part of my problem. I get so fixated on the issue before me that I don't deal with things emotionally. At least, I think that's what the shrinks will tell you.

So now after 40 years of not processing things emotionally I am a bit apprehensive about peeling back the layers. I took a band-aid off Zach's cut today. I grabbed one corner and ripped it off in one fell swoop. Zach was shocked and in pain. I asked him if he would have rather had me pull it off slowly and prolong the agony. He thought about it while I pulled the steri-strips off, yep you guessed it, rip, rip rip. That's how I look towards peeling the layers back.

It's gonna hurt now matter how we do it. If I didn't want to deal with it then, what makes anyone think I am going to want to deal with it now? That's what music is for. Expressing from the soul what words fail to.

Now you know why I love so many different types of music. I am emoting through music and lyrics. My psychologist asked about my blogging and asked if this wasn't for those who read it. That I am writing this for you, the reader. I answered that I thought not. It seems to me that this is for me so I don't have to watch as people see what I am saying. It distances me from my emotions so I don't have to deal directly with them. Or you for that matter. I am great at helping others with their emotions but don't even think about mine! I will crack a joke when I feel emotions coming on. That's 'how we do.'

Yes, it a defensive mechanism developed over my lifetime and it will take some serious work to overcome it. But do I really want to? I mean it isn't healthy but it's gotten me through all this stuff that others tell me they wouldn't be able to deal with. Maybe they would just be like me. That's a scary thought. More like me in the world? I know they are out there. I am raising a batch of them now. My kids look to me in crisis to know how to act. That is my major motivation in this. I don't want my kids to be like me. I want them to learn from me and avoid the pitfalls I have climbed in and out of. Of course, they will make their own mistakes but hopefully it will be at a different level and not the same old ones I keep making.

Good luck kids!

I guess I've babbled long enough. Caitlin is calling me too.

I hope this soothes those who were wondering if I was ok when I didn't add anything after saying I was going off meds. I am fine. Feeling better but I have one more med to drop. I promised I wouldn't make changes without discussing it with the docs.

Good night.