The first step is always the hardest

Sometimes foolish mistakes lead to great things. Sometimes it isn't until we see the infection that we seek a doctors attention.

After two 'accidental' overdoses I have more help and resources than I ever knew existed. I have psychiatry appointments, psychology appointments, Army Substance Abuse Program (ASAP) and marital counseling as well as individual counseling being offered to all my family members. If they take it, that's the question. All this because I was way over my head and decided that one more (and one more and one more....) benzodiazepine would fix what ailed me.

I was attempting to anesthetize a pain that modern pharmacopoeia has yet to make a pill for. It's that feeling you get when you see something wrong and feel powerless to stop it. It's that stress you feel as a dad when there is something wrong with your child and you are unable to fix it. It's the guilt you feel when one child takes so much of your time that your others don't get that 'daddy' time (Mine probably appreciate that!). It's the pain of a million little things that life throws at all of us that bring us to seek escape.

Escape comes in many forms, unfortunately all mine were self-destructive or self-defeating at best. I'm a glutton for punishment or so it would seem. I write to vent but also to share my struggles. If you have your own dragons to slay (don't we all?) I would hope that maybe you see all that I am going through and seek help. We all have issues and sometimes they grow larger than we can handle. We all have friends (believe me 'cuz I always joke I don't and you would not believe the people pouring out of the woodwork expressing a desire to be there for me) around us to help 'kill the beast' but as my title suggests, the first step is the hardest.

You know why? Because it involves a combination of things. Admitting that you have a problem/issue. Admitting that the problem is bigger than you are. Now the most critical and most difficult step; opening your mouth and asking for help.

From a friend, a health care provider, a religious leader, your boss, SOMEONE!

I guess this is on my mind because I just got home from an ASAP appointment today and a marital counseling appointment last night. I am painfully aware of my shortcomings so I am going to try and focus on what a wise leader told me.

I have so much going right in my life. FOCUS ON THAT! I have been married for 19 years in a time when 1 out of 2 marriages fail. I have five children that are AWESOME. Caitlin was never supposed to live long enough to leave the hospital but when she did they said she wouldn't live to see two. SHE IS THIRTEEN!!! He pointed out what a blessing that was in and of itself. Six times the time what we were told we would have with her. All these things are just a small part of what I have to be grateful for.

With all this going for me I almost threw it all away. Not intentionally Really, but stupid is as stupid does right? I always tell my kids to apologize when they do something and they will say "I didn't mean to!" My response is always "but you did it anyway and you owe them an apology."

So I need to practice what I preach. I have so much to make up for but that too is part of that 800lb gorilla.

So, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time and so it is for making up all those mistakes I have made. I am reminded of a Love and Rockets song..."we're going to stay awake for as long as it takes to correct all the silly mistakes we have made." Being a former Meth addict I noted that that would only add to the problem. Sleep deprivation would lead to more mistakes. The wisdom of 'Crank'.

As a Christian I am reminded yet again of "the woman taken in scorn" who was told, "Go, and sin no more."

I have only this option before me. Restitution is a principle of repentance and I definitely have some work to do.