Memorial Day 2009

SSG James Patrick Francis - KIA 27 May 1969. My sister Mary gave me this photo of Pat shipping out for Vietnam. This was the last time she saw him alive. I was just over 6 months old when he was killed.



Memorial service for SGT Roberto Arizola - KIA 8 Jun 2005. This photo is of his team leader overcome with emotion as she pays her respects.



Please, Memorial day at 3pm Eastern, stop whatever you may be doing to pause and reflect for a moment on those who have sacrificed their lives. Attend a ceremony at a veterans cemetery. Fly a flag at half staff until 12 noon. Take the time to maintain the graves of those who may no longer have someone to visit and maintain their marker or headstone.

Pray for peace.

You may not support war of any sort but Soldiers see it up close and have a perspective the protected never know.

Most have lost their lives in their youth. All of their hopes and dreams were buried with them. Families left behind mourning as they seek answers for why. For many, these answers never come and for some, peace may never come either. But until all men, everywhere, can agree to live in peace, war will be inevitable.

So please, take this opportunity, tradition holds 1 minute, to pause and reflect on all those who have sacrificed all that they had that you may have the freedoms you enjoy. The freedom to disagree with those we elect. To live as you wish within the laws of the land. The freedom to denounce those who choose to fight for things they believe in.

One minute. It's not much to ask. Not to glorify war, to remember those who have paid to the 'uttermost farthing'.


http://www.usmemorialday.org/observe.htm

	Stevie Ray vaughn - stevie ray vaughn-little wing
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Mental Veggies - This is good for you but you might like that.

My Thanks to my mom for forwarding me this message. To whomever created it thank you. I hope you don't mind my posting it here. If you do let me know, I will take it off, and blog about what a pinhead you are. Sorry, I am blunt honest like that but I trust that your desire is to get this message out. Same goes for the artists who created this. I am making no money here so cut me some slack. Thanks -SSG Jack G. Francis


To the rest of you, yes there is a theme going on. Enjoy your Hot Dogs and Bratwurst. Over 400,000 stand ready to keep your holiday plans safe.

The Cat is back

http://www.youtube.com/watch/?v+oufVrt7sOC0

After much public outcry (ok, it was just me crying) I have decided to restore my blog for all you voyeurs who wish to live the dysfunctional lifestyle vicariously. I have in the works many entries but my main focus this weekend is a posting for Memorial Day. No Barbecue, no beer bash. A posting memorializing our war dead.


I would hope that some of you might actually go to a nearby National Cemetery and attend a formal service. It should start officially sometime before 3pm when we are supposed to stop and reflect on those who have sacrificed their youth and dreams that you may live yours out in a country that allows you to be what you want.







And no, the monument behind me is not to Bill Clinton. It's the Washington Monument kids

To sleep, per chance, to dream

I slept like the dead last night. I am hoping for a repeat tonight. While I am not med free I am off antidepressants and anxiolytics. I am on a drug called Prazosin and it is for high blood pressure. Funny thing is that this doc up here in Washington found out in the 70's that it works for PTSD by calming victims just enough to let them sleep without making them dopey or making them drug dependent.

Pretty smart doc. He is my doc kind of (now). I am beginning to believe that once I get back to sleeping regularly I will be somewhat normal. You guys remember what that is? I don't think I've ever been normal but that's a good thing. I just don't like being as weird as I have been.

You know you are getting out there when people who stay in touch suddenly drop off the face of the earth. When family forget your number. For future reference, that's when us nutjobs need you to stay in touch the most.

Granted, most of you didn't sign up to save anyone from insanity but you might find that it is a really good feeling. I know I've been there a few times pulling friends back. I've been the one being pulled back (thanks to the many who have been there, done that, got the t-shirt) and it's been more than once. I must like the view because I've seen it a few times. It's easy to blame on my life but is my life the cause or the effect of my mind games?

I try extremely hard to not let my kids end up like me but I think too often I end up driving them in that direction. In many ways, I am conflicted the most about this. I feel that I am a good father. At the same time, I feel I am the worst influence upon my children. Some of you don't know the pain I have caused and you won't find it here. Needless to say, I have been the source of a great many tears in my home.

I have been disfellowshipped. I was Excommunicated for about ten days until a review pointed out that I shouldn't have been. I cannot tell you the pain I felt from that. I have caused my children to weep and be frightened of their father. Not from violence but from psychological crap. When I was all screwed up on some of these meds I became irate with them and showed them pictures of war dead and told them these are the things stuck in my head and then proceeded to blame them for everything that I perceived to be wrong in my life. I honestly feel like just crawling away.

"And I, Moroni, will not deny the Christ; wherefore, I wander whithersoever I can for the safety of mine own life." (Moroni Ch 1:3)

I am weighed down with huge amounts of guilt because I believe in Christ but it would seem that I don't believe him. You see, repentance applies to everyone but me. Others feel this way too but follow along as I explain. I truly believe in Christ but I have to get that through my onion to where I know that I can let all of this guilt go. That it will be ok to FEEL. I relate so well with the woman taken in adultery, caught in the very act (which begs the question where was the man and why did they not drag him to Christ as well?). Christ seemingly ignored them and when their frustration levels were at their highest, he merely replied "let he that is without sin cast the first stone. Being convicted of their conscience, they left one by one from the eldest to the youngest." With just the two of them left, Christ and this woman, he looked up asking "Woman, where are thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee? She answered, No man, Lord. whereupon he answer neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more" (John 8)

Oh the relief that must have washed over her until she felt joy. I am sure that she sobbed in gratitude. I would. I know I have been forgiven of the worst of my sins but I still have yet to let them go. The haunt me still. Oh that reminds me of a dream. I will write about tomorrow.

My fingers are tired and I have some praying to do. Maybe even for you.

p.s. If you make a comment it goes to my email first where I have to approve it for publishing. Soooo, if you would like to comment but don't want it published just include that in your comment.


Butch

New Med Monday

After getting out of the Psych ward I was off meds (WOOHOO) but after a few weeks of feeling great I had a bad day and they put me on a different class of meds. That lasted until the next week and I got a new class of drug along with an anti-psychotic. I mentioned before what a boost to my self-esteem this was (NOT) but fortunately it only lasted for three days before I was taken off due to some harsh side effects. I was still on the Wellbutrin though. This was started the same Monday as the Abilify that only lasted three days. So, the following monday (today) I got taken off that and out on a hypertension medication (Prazosin) that should let me sleep. Not to be shoved aside, the psychiatrist also started Concerta for AD/HD but told to wait a week before starting it. This is to ensure that we know which med causes what effect.

My goal hasn't changed. Get sleep. Get focused again. Get off meds if possible. If you've been following this odysee you probably think I've completely lost it by now anyway. The truth is I am still fully in touch with reality and in the wisdom of a good friend from way back when; Reality Sucks.

The truth is that all these changes in medications and the ups and downs of my life have made me a truly difficult case to work. As you read through my posts it may be hard to believe that I am not insane. That is actually why the Army is now studying me.

I was reading a printout on suicide prevention while waiting for my shrink today. It has all these risk factors and lists stressful situations that lead to depression and suicide. It has several different categories and I have several from each. No wonder they categorize me as being depressed. They look at these charts and say "you're depressed. Now open up and say ahhh. Take these pills and you'll feel much better."

After a year and a half of following that, all I have to show for it is a downward spiral of performance at work and strained relationships at home and with my friends/co-workers. If you give someone who is not depressed anti-depressants what do you get? I'm betting you get depressed! Throw in some benzodiazepines and you have an opportunity to really go round the bend. Yes, I know, that's where I went.

Thank you for not giving up on me as my emotional roller coaster undulates and twists and turns. Hopefully you laugh with me to find solace in this but also learn that it's a process. I am glad to finally have a team of professionals that I am comfortable working with and that will stay with me until I am back to normal (whatever that is) or completely nuts.

Onions

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[sighs]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody likes onions.

Much like Shrek, I have layers it seems. The trick now is to peel off the layers I have spent a lifetime wrapping my self in to guard against anyone seeing my true emotions. I'm a rock, at least that's what I'd like you to believe.

As a kid many things terrified me but nothing more than someone seeing how scared I was. I would do almost anything to hide how truly frightened I was. Not much has changed since then. I stuff my emotions down deep. No time to deal with them because there is too much going on. Crying does nothing to fix the problem. That is part of my problem. I get so fixated on the issue before me that I don't deal with things emotionally. At least, I think that's what the shrinks will tell you.

So now after 40 years of not processing things emotionally I am a bit apprehensive about peeling back the layers. I took a band-aid off Zach's cut today. I grabbed one corner and ripped it off in one fell swoop. Zach was shocked and in pain. I asked him if he would have rather had me pull it off slowly and prolong the agony. He thought about it while I pulled the steri-strips off, yep you guessed it, rip, rip rip. That's how I look towards peeling the layers back.

It's gonna hurt now matter how we do it. If I didn't want to deal with it then, what makes anyone think I am going to want to deal with it now? That's what music is for. Expressing from the soul what words fail to.

Now you know why I love so many different types of music. I am emoting through music and lyrics. My psychologist asked about my blogging and asked if this wasn't for those who read it. That I am writing this for you, the reader. I answered that I thought not. It seems to me that this is for me so I don't have to watch as people see what I am saying. It distances me from my emotions so I don't have to deal directly with them. Or you for that matter. I am great at helping others with their emotions but don't even think about mine! I will crack a joke when I feel emotions coming on. That's 'how we do.'

Yes, it a defensive mechanism developed over my lifetime and it will take some serious work to overcome it. But do I really want to? I mean it isn't healthy but it's gotten me through all this stuff that others tell me they wouldn't be able to deal with. Maybe they would just be like me. That's a scary thought. More like me in the world? I know they are out there. I am raising a batch of them now. My kids look to me in crisis to know how to act. That is my major motivation in this. I don't want my kids to be like me. I want them to learn from me and avoid the pitfalls I have climbed in and out of. Of course, they will make their own mistakes but hopefully it will be at a different level and not the same old ones I keep making.

Good luck kids!

I guess I've babbled long enough. Caitlin is calling me too.

I hope this soothes those who were wondering if I was ok when I didn't add anything after saying I was going off meds. I am fine. Feeling better but I have one more med to drop. I promised I wouldn't make changes without discussing it with the docs.

Good night.

Stop the bus. I'm getting off.

Tonight will be short. These meds are making me sick so I am not taking them any longer. The cure is worse than the illness. I have an excrutiating headache, nausea, vomiting, and I just plain feel yucky.

Getting off meds was my goal. Still is so I called the doc and told him what was going on. I will focus on addressing my issues without medication.

Now I have to go puke.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow...